The school stairs

January

POSTED ON: Thursday, 30 January 2014 @ 20:38 | 0 comments





January is the month where I kept finding myself wandering around looking for my lost motivation. It sometimes showed up from no where, and then it faded away slowly behind my back. I could find myself gasping for air, wishing I could find a pause button in my life for a mere second so I could take a deep breathe. Life has been pretty hectic and it made me missed the old days. Those days where I could just be playing around, giving no damn at all.

Life won't let us do that. Life still and always keeps going, no matter if we got cuts all over our bodies, we fell down the ground and we decided not to get up anymore. Time's still ticking. I've told myself to keep going, don't stop for hundreds times. There's one thing that always makes me stay and keeps me holding on, my religion.

My doubts kill me. My insecurities are torturing me. People's words left me scars. How they were whispering and laughing while looking at me made me feel so tiny. How they pointed out my flaws, all I could do was pretended like I don't really mind, but I DO GET OFFENDED MORE THAN ANYONE COULD EVER THOUGHT. I cried when I got home, flashing back their words. I don't have perfect face. I hate myself too.

I want a perfect face, pretty clothes, popularity, cool phone. Just like other girls. I want to be known in school, among the girls, boys, teachers. I want them to look at me and remember my name. I want them compliment me. I want them to say hi to me. I want them to chat and tweet me often. I want to have someone who adores me. I want to have a lot of friends. Only one thing is required to have those things, it's... a pretty face.

Pretty girls get the spotlight. Pretty girls get the attention. Pretty girls get remembered. Society love pretty girls. Well, I don't seem to be one of them. I'm just some regular-faced girl. Maybe to some of people, I'm not good-looking. I hate that word but it describes me. I try to look pretty everyday. But it seems like it only happens in my dreams.

A few people in school might know me as a smart kid. I worked hard for that. But look what happened. Nothing. People still treat me like shit everyday. People still look down on me. I thought if I get good grades people would look at me, even steal a glance but who cares. They love pretty girls. I want to be known. I want people to remember my name. 

I learned something about myself. I get offended easily but I don't show it. I keep it deep inside, it's okay if it hurts. I don't want to say things
 that I shouldn't and then regret it later. Whenever I say I hate people, I don't really hate them. I hate myself.


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The School Stairs